Every Man's Worst Nightmare
by drugstoresushi
Summary: Damon's not sure he knows what his worst nightmare is...  But it seems Katherine does!  What could be worse than Elena dieing?  What could Katherine possibly have cooked up this time?
1. Chapter 1

**Story Title: **Every Man's Worst Nightmare

**Rating:** T (for language)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the Vampire Diaries.

**Summary: **Katherine's got a horrible surprise for Damon in the form of a blast from the past.

**A/N:** Just a quickie crack fic cause I felt like it. Ohohohoho!

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_"Oh, don't worry, Damon. I'm not going to kill you. I won't even harm your precious Elena. Oh no. I've got something much worse in mind for you. Something that will ruin the rest of your undead life. A fitting punishment for locking me in that tomb for over a month. Just you wait."_

Katherine's words kept ringing in Damon's head over and over. He was sitting in front of the boarding house fireplace having a scotch with Stefan, it was late at night. He just couldn't imagine what Katherine could have up her sleeve this time. Worse than killing Elena? That simply wasn't possible. Besides it had been over a week since she'd left town. And so far nothing had happened. She must have been bluffing. Yes! Having him constantly looking over his shoulder for the rest of his life waiting for the hammer to fall, that was a terrible fate indeed…

"Damon are you listening to me?" Stefan was staring at him with a concerned look as usual.

"You aren't still worrying about Katherine's threat are you?" he asked rolling his eyes. Damon didn't answer.

"Look if there's one thing we know about Katherine its that's she does nothing but lie. She was bluffing. So don't worry about it! She's just trying to get under your skin. Lets just be happy she's gone." Stefan encouraged.

"You're right!" Damon said calming a little. "I don't know what I was so worried about. I just wish we'd staked the bitch while we had the chance…"

Just then the boarding house doorbell rang.

"I'll get it." said Stefan putting down his glass and heading towards the door. Damon guessed it was probably Bonnie. She seemed to be the only one who bothered using the doorbell anymore. Everyone else just barged in like it was their own damn house. He wondered what Elena problem the little witch needed help with now, as he took another sip of his drink.

Stefan returned a few minutes later with Bonnie in tow. Damon looked up. No, wait. It wasn't bonnie. It was another young black woman. She wasn't half bad looking, he decided. He then noticed she was holding two brats in her arms, and changed his mind about her.

"Who's your friend, Stefan?" He asked with a smirk.

"Um, actually she says she's here to see you…" Stefan replied looking confused.

The young woman stepped forward. "Oh hell no, motherfucker! Don't tell me you've forgotten me already?" she said twisting her head about in an angry matter. "I know its been a while, but damn! Really?"

Damon stood. She did look vaguely familiar but he could tell this woman would be nothing but trouble.

"I'm sorry I think you have the wrong house." He said turning his back on them to face the fireplace.

"You gotta be fucking kidding me! You really have forgotten me, you worthless asshole! Mhm! Well I guess it would be easy for you to forget wouldn't it? Its me, Lettie." there was no warmth in her voice.

Lettie… Damon thought. That name sounded familiar too…

"Lettie!" cried Stefan. "Oh my god! It can't be!"

So this Lettie character was someone Stefan knew as well? Hmmm… Then it hit him. He choked on his Scotch. This couldn't be happening! He turned to look at her again, with wide eyes. It was her, alright. He then took a good look at the two brats she was holding. They both looked to be about two. They had olive toned skin, jet black lightly curled hair, full pouty pink lips, and unmistakable dazzling blue heavy lidded eyes. Oh good god no! His fear must have shown on his face, because Lettie broke out in a nasty smile.

"That's right Damon. That Lettie." she said, jutting her hip out.

Damon hissed in a slow breath. It was in 1861, right here in Mystic Falls. He'd been a young carefree rich teenager. Lettie was one of the house slaves. He'd been having a more or less one sided affair with her for months. After all what were house slaves for? When it was discovered that she was pregnant, his father had sold her south to protect the family name. He hadn't meant to forget per say… But with his joining the war, deserting the war, Katherine coming to town, him dieing and becoming a vampire, he'd just had other things on his mind. But what was she doing here now? And with these brats? They should all be dead by now. It couldn't be! Damn you, Katherine…

It looked as if Stefan was putting two and two together as well, by the way he kept looking back and forth between Damon and the two kids. His face was growing very horrified and he was awkwardly backing towards a corner of the room. Lettie however advanced on Damon with the brats.

"I bet you thought you'd never see me again! Unlucky for you some bitch named Katherine found me and the kids right after the war and turned us. Do you know how hard it was to spend nearly two hundred years as a single mother of two? Well not anymore! Katherine found me a few days ago and filled me in on what you'd been doing these past years and gave me your address. Imagine my surprise to find you still living here in Mystic Falls amongst the towns people like a human! I never would of thought of it! Couldn't have if I wanted to, anyway. You see no one ever gave me or the kids one of those magic rings…" She looked livid as she shoved the kids into Damon's unwilling arms. It seemed he couldn't find his voice.

"This is your daddy." she said to them, grabbing Damon's glass and taking a sip.

"You're gunna stay with him and your uncle Stefan for a while."

"What?" He and Stefan said in unison.

She ignored them. "Mommy's gunna go on a little vacation…" She said sweetly as she snatched the ring off Damon's finger.

"Hey!-" he started to protest.

"Oh, this doesn't even begin to cover the two hundred years of child support you owe me, motherfucker!" She said waving her finger wildly in front of his face. "But it's a start…" she slipped the ring around a chain on her neck.

"I'll be back to collect the rest later. If I come back…" and with that she zoomed out of the boarding house with vampire speed.

It was silent except for the crackling of the fire for a second as the brats squirmed in Damon's arms.

"So, let me get this straight…" Stefan began stepping back into the middle of the room now that Lettie was gone, with a bemused smile on his face. "These would be you're undead, eternal, illegitimate children?" he said pointing at the brats. "And that was your undead, eternal, vengeful baby's mama?" He concluded.

Damon was red faced stunned and speechless. One of the brats threw up on his expensive shirt and the other one started crying. It was Damon's worst nightmare.

Stefan let out a snort of laughter. "Damn! I guess she really wasn't bluffing! Katherine really fucked you this time!"

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**Bahahaha! Oh Baby's Mamas... Poor Damon. Serves him right, though I suppose... I don't know if I should continue this ridiculous story or just leave it as a one shot. It might be pretty funny/adorable to see the Salvatore bros trying to raise kids amidst all the drama they're already dealing with. We'll see... Hope you enjoyed it! Bye!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Story Title: **Every Man's Worst Nightmare

**Rating:** T (for language)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the Vampire Diaries.

**Summary: **Damon comes to terms with the truth of the situation.

**A/N:** Its so much easier to keep going with a fic when the chapters are so short. Enjoy!

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**Chapter 2**

Damon ignored Stefan's comment and shoved the crying brat into his arms. He whisked past his brother to enter the boarding house kitchen and deposited the vomit covered brat in the sink. He turned on the water and begun unbuttoning his soiled shirt.

"Are we really not going to talk about this Damon?" Stefan said as he came around the corner bouncing the brat in a soothing motion.

"Not if we can avoid it." Damon mumbled now bare chest and scrubbing his shirt under the water, completely ignoring the now soaked child.

"Damon…" Stefan pleaded.

Damon turned on him. "Look! Its like you said, all Katherine does is lie. These probably aren't even my kids!" He reasoned.

"Damon, please! They look just like you. And I know you were sleeping with Lettie…" Stefan said as he began tossing the kid up in the air slightly which seemed to calm it down.

Damon rolled his eyes. Was Stefan actually beginning to bond with these monstrosities? "Plenty of people look like me, anyone could be their father." he tried shrugging and turning back to the brat in the sink who was staring up at him. He made a nasty face at it.

"No they don't." he heard Stefan remark.

"What?" he said turning to look at his brother again.

"Not many people look like you Damon. And you were sleeping with Lettie!" he insisted.

"Fine Stefan. And yes I was sleeping with Lettie. But she was a slave… Plenty of people were probably taking advantage of her. Father for example." he said with a nasty smile. That tripped up Stefan for a second. "Why do you think he was so hasty to sell her? Father hated parting with his property."

Stefan looked at Damon with a dumbfounded face for a second. He looked disgusted with his brother but that was nothing new. He then seemed to regain his train of thought.

"Well that would just make them our siblings instead of your kids." he said returning his gaze to the toddler. "If it was true. But if it is how come they've got your eyes?" he shot Damon a calculating glare knowing he had him trapped. "You know you got them from mother. Father had brown eyes. So how'd they get them?"

"Ugh!" Damon threw his wet shirt at the wall. And went to pick up the toddler in the sink. "_How'd they get your eyes Damon? Those are mother's eyes. Father had brown eyes! Balh blah blah!_" Damon said in mocking tones as he threw the kid over one shoulder and rounded on Stefan to collect the other.

"You know, they actually smell EXACTLY like you too!" said Stefan sniffing the toddlers neck, and raising his eyebrows at Damon.

"Well, aren't you just a regular little PI, brother! Why don't you stick to figuring out how to save your precious Elena? Give me that!" Damon snatched the kid out of his brothers grasp with a disgusted look. And left the room.

"Where are you going Damon?" Stefan called after him.

"To take care of this!" Damon shot back.

He thundered down the stairs to the basement and kicked open the jail cell door. He set the kids down inside, closed the door behind him and broke off a leg from the wooden chair with his foot. Picking up the stake he turned to face the children with murder in his eyes. They were staring up at him with identical angelic faces drool dribbling down their chins. He looked from one to the other. Now that he looked at them they weren't identical. It seemed the wet one was a boy as it had shorter hair. Suddenly the female child ran at him, grabbed his leg and started crying.

"No! Get off!" Damon yelled kicking it back. It started to throw a tantrum. He stood there watching it for a second panting slightly.

"YOU ARE DIRTY NAUGHTY BAD CHILDREN!" He thundered at them. They both started crying.

"Stay!" he commanded and fled the cell slamming and locking the door behind him.

He panted with his head leaning against the door listening to them cry for a while. He then pulled himself together and headed cooly up the stairs to find Stefan. He found him in just inside the living room waiting for him to return. Damon leaned casually against the door frame and swung the stake back and froth.

"Baby bro…" he cooed.

"What Damon?" Stefan asked stiffly.

Damon looked at him "I need you to do me a little favor…"

"What?" said Stefan tiredly.

"I need you to stake the kids." he rushed out.

"WHAT?" Stefan shrieked in awe.

"I really need you to make this problem go away for me…" Damon whined.

"I'm NOT staking those children Damon!" Stefan protested.

"Come on! It'll be easy! Just a quick 'poke' 'poke'…" Damon said making the motion with the stake to show Stefan. "I'll take care of their bitch of a mom myself." He said trying to prove to Stefan he wouldn't have to do all the work.

"I'm not staking innocent children Damon!" Stefan yelled.

Damon rolled his eyes. "They're not innocent children, Stefan! Their centuries old blood sucking monsters. Little killing machines! Don't let their appearance fool you!" Stefan didn't look convinced. "And besides, they're suffering! Doomed to be eternal children… You saw 'Interview with a Vampire'! They're just like Claudia! You'd be doing them a favor…" he finished with a pleading look in his eyes.

"If its so easy and right why don't you do it?" Stefan asked

"Because I can't kill my own children, Stefan! ...They just keep looking at me!" Damon tried to explain.

"Oh, so they're your children now?" Stefan asked mocking surprise.

Damon snapped. "OF COURSE THEY ARE, GODDAMNIT! YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT? LOOK AT THEM FOR GOD SAKES!" he yelled and then calmed a little. "Why would Katherine have bothered tracking them down in the first place all those years ago if they weren't?" He looked at Stefan and saw a knowing look in his brother's eyes. Damon sighed. "What the fuck am I going to do Stefan?" Damon whined as he slid to the floor defeated and let stake drop from his hand.

"Well for starters we need to-" Stefan began.

"Fuck that." said Damon quickly regaining control of himself and standing up. "I'm going to bed." and he did just that without another word to his brother.

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**Oh Damon... Always so quick to hide your emotions away again. Poor kids. I'm glad Stefan refused to stake them. ****Anyway... Shirtless Damon! And hot guys interacting with kids! how can you resist?**** What will happen next? Who knows! Bye**


	3. Chapter 3

**Story Title: **Every Man's Worst Nightmare

**Rating:** T (for language)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the Vampire Diaries.

**Summary: **Stefan goes shopping.

**A/N:** Sorry for the delay! I'm a lazy bastard... Enjoy!

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**Chapter 3**

Damon awoke the next morning feeling much better. He'd laid awake part of the night fretting over a solution to his problem. He'd come to the happy conclusion that he could simply just leave the brats locked up in the cellar. Maybe toss a blood pack in every now and again. After all there was no reason to let this unfortunate event uproot his life. Eventually their mother would come back for them, right? And then he'd be able to go back to pretending all this had never happened.

He showered, dressed, and got a blood pack out of the fridge. It was awfully quiet in the house. Perhaps it had all been some horrible nightmare. He paused at the stairs to the basement. He didn't hear anything. Were the little monsters still sleeping? He went down stairs and peeked through the door. Nothing. He flung the door wide open. There was no one there. Oh sweet mother of all things holy! It really had been a dream! He was elated! He had to celebrate! Yes, he would spend the day doing his favorite activity, which he had to admit he'd been a bit lax on lately...

He ran up the stairs to find Stefan, plotting all the way on how to ruin his baby brother's life this fine morning. For starters he would wake him up and rub his delicious pack full of human blood in Stefan's face.

"Good morning baby bro!" Damon sang as he kicked open Stefan's bedroom door. His face fell. This couldn't be happening.

There they were, their tiny little backs to him. Stefan was already awake and sitting cross-legged on his bed, he seemed to be playing peek a boo with them.

"Good morning Damon." Stefan said with a bemused smile. "You seem awful happy. Did you happen to forget about our little visitors?"

Damon was silent for a minute. He was at a loss for words. He watched as Stefan resumed playing with the tiny terrors.

"You let them out?" It was all Damon could get to come out of his mouth.

"What?" Stefan asked looking up at his brother again.

"YOU LET THEM OUT OF THE BASEMENT!" Damon exploded.

"Well, yeah." Stefan looked slightly alarmed but mainly confused at Damon's outburst. "I couldn't leave them down there." Stefan said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Damon just continued to stare him down, silently.

"They're just babies!" Stefan tried to explain. "It was dark!"

Silence.

"They couldn't sleep, Damon." Stefan urged his brother to understand. "So I let them sleep with me last night." he admitted.

Still no response from Damon. Stefan sighed and ran his hand through his hair, trying to think of another way to explain what should be a simple concept. "They need love." he concluded. That seemed to bring his brother out of his dazed state.

"Love? LOVE!" Damon screamed his temper reaching its peak. "What they need is SPANKINGS!" Damon said with a snarl as he started to undo his belt.

"You're not going to spank these children, Damon!" Stefan said scooping them into his arms protectively. "They haven't even done anything wrong! Why do they need spankings?"

"BECAUSE I SAID SO, DAMN IT!" Damon roared pulling his belt free and cracking it like a whip. Both Stefan and the kids jumped. "I AM THEIR FATHER! And if I say they need spankings, then spankings they shall get!" He held his belt ready to strike, his chest heaving. Stefan was looking at him like he'd gone mad. And the brats were crying again. He suddenly realized he some how just didn't have it in him. This was ridiculous! He couldn't even bring himself to spank the little monsters! What was wrong with him?

"FUCK!" Damon yelled as he brought the belt down on the foot board of the bed with vampire strength. It left a crack in the gleaming wood surface.

"UGH!" he fled the room defeated, slamming the door behind him.

There was clearly no hope for this situation. It seemed he was powerless against the dirty little secrets from his past. At this point his only defense was to ignore the entire situation. He'd let Stefan play his crazy game of house all he wanted. Damon was going to wash his hands of the whole thing.

He went down stairs and poured himself a glass of scotch, and situated himself in front of the TV. He was annoyed to realize that the Shark Week marathon he'd DVRed had been bumped from recording in favor of a 'Secret Life of the American Teen' marathon, a bunch of Dr. Phil shows, and Kenny G live in concert. God he hated his brother!

He flipped through the channels instead and landed on Maury. Some bitch named LaQueesha claimed that the father of her son was Laurel. Laurel on the other hand protested that LaQueesha was a ho, and that the baby clearly didn't look like him. Maury brought out the paternity test, Laurel was the father. He stormed of stage cursing while LaQueesha did a booty dance in front of the crowed pumping her hands in the air. God! Damon hated day time television too…

Stefan came downstairs a few minutes later with the brats in his arms. He sat them down on the couch next to Damon. "I need to go to the store for a little bit." Stefan said.

Damon remained slumped in front of the TV, glass in hand, not acknowledging his brother.

Stefan sighed and stepped in front of the TV blocking the view. Damon looked up without emotion on his face.

"Look. I need to be able to trust you to watch them while I'm gone." Stefan said with a serious face. Damon didn't answer.

"Damon!" Stefan exclaimed annoyed. Damon just leaned around him to try to see the TV.

"I get it! You're mad." Stefan said throwing his hands in the air. "But can you at least nod your head 'yes' or 'no'."

Damon continued to ignore him.

Stefan stooped down to bring his face right in front of his brother's. "Damon! Can I trust you?"

"Yeah, yeah. Just get out of my way will you?" Damon finally responded pushing his brother out of his line of vision. He heard Stefan sigh, then leave the house and drive off. He couldn't believe his brother actually trusted him not to kill the children while he was gone. Something about that irked him deeply. Probably because deep down he knew he wouldn't either.

He could feel them squirming next to him on the couch. He completely ignored them until one of them tried to move into his lap. He pushed them both off the couch, without looking at them. They left him alone after that.

While Damon continued his staring match with the TV, the brats ran about the house making a mess and destroying things as he imagined normal unattended toddlers might. He was mildly alarmed to notice out of the corner of his eye, that they seemed to have enough sense to stay out of the rays of sunlight streaming in through the windows as they reeked their havoc. They definitely weren't as clueless as they let on…

Stefan returned home about an hour later, his arms laden with shopping bags. He rushed over to Damon and set them down.

"Where are the kids?" Stefan asked looking worried.

"Who?" Damon replied smoothly.

"Damon!" Stefan yelped.

Damon sighed. "I dunno. They ran off some where…"

"You were suppose to be watching them!" Stefan yelled.

Damon rolled his eyes. Just then there was a loud crashing on the stairs. They both stood and turned to look at what had made the noise. One of the toddlers was half way down the steps, the other was in a heap at the bottom. It started to wail.

"Oh my god!" Stefan yelled and rushed over to scoop the toddler into his arms. He shot a horrified glare at his brother.

"What? Its not like they're gunna die!" Damon said shrugging his shoulders.

Stefan's glare of disgust deepened. Damon turned away from his brother and kicked lightly at one of the many shopping bags at his feet.

"What is all this crap?"

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**I'll try to be more regular with the chapters. But no promises! I just realized I make a reference to Stefan liking both Kenny G and 'Secret Life of the American Teen' In all my Vampire Diaries fics! hehe! Oh Stefan... I think making a complete fool of him is the only way I can write about Stefan. I really don't like his character on the show! Anyway... Until next time! Bye! **


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